Dam Busters
My head feels like a dam under pressure
With cracks running through my psyche
A thousand small leaks just dripping and dripping
Like water torture inside my brain
Sometimes the pressure builds up too high
Holes are punched in my protective wall
Spurting like blood from an arterial wound
Intense sensations that overwhelm me
The irony is that I looked for this
My current suffering is through my own actions
I mightn’t have know it would be this hard
But I always knew it wouldn’t be easy
The ocean I’m trying to hold back
Consists of tears that couldn’t be shed
Screams that couldn’t be voiced
As it wasn’t a safe time or place
So I sought that safe environment
Found a place I was free to be me
And began the process of working through
All the pain and angst I held inside
At first I had to work at it
Be open to re-experiencing my past
But as things gained momentum
Memories surfaced of their own accord
While I knew my safe place awaited
Only ever a few days away
I could just about hold myself intact
When memories struck outside my safety zone
But as all things must come to an end
So did my oasis of safety
Too soon for me, but beyond my control
I was left bereft and alone
I am trying to build a new safe place
But somehow it isn’t the same
It’s dark when I had light, small when I had space
And so distanced I barely survive in between
Still I persevere, not much choice really
What’s been started can’t easily be stopped
It’s a far greater struggle than I knew I signed on for
I have to keep reminding myself it will be worth it
Although the process is long and painful
Eventually the wall will come down
But my biggest question and greatest fear is
Will I be washed clean, or will I drown?
Written By
Alison Grills
5 October 2003